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October 06 2013

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Hathaway, Homos and Hopeful

Last night I went to Wardy's house, with Hobbit as planned. Wardy and I went to town before, and we went to the Saturday market that comes to our town each week, which was amazing because we've wanted to go together for ages. I bought cheese where I always do, and Wardy and I got chatting to the awesome guy that sells the cheese. I asked why he wasn't there a couple of weeks ago, and he said that he was having his nose done! I have never become so interested in a conversation so quickly. He told me the whole story of how he had been punched a decade ago, and his nose looked amazing and he said he got it on the NHS and I'm going to do it. The thing I hate most about my appearance could be solved. Another gap year plan :) I'm so so so happy, plus my father said he'd pay the £3,000 for it if I couldn't get it on the NHS! And Wardy totally supports it. He's the best - he's so different to all my other people, and I'm glad.
On the walk back we started talking about the future, and planned and it was amazing. I am actually excited to see what happens next for once, although I'm sure that will pass. We talked about gap year plans, and Exeter, where we'll hopefully go, because we both loved it, and then jobs after that and travelling and everything. And I desperately want him to start a restaurant, I love food.
We then watched the Devil Wears Prada, with Hobbit. It was really clearly a different atmosphere when she came - the music changed and the conversation changed and everything. But the food was damn amazing, I enjoyed it so much more than the meal I had at a restaurant just now, and we had The Best Muffins Ever from the market. 
I love Hobbit though, a lot. What I love most about her, not to intentionally quote Friends or anything, is the way she makes me feel about myself. Seriously. It sounds ridiculous and cheesy but she is one of my only two friends who allows me to like me.
The other day there was someone from a Stonewall (a gay charity) who came to talk to us. I sat between Wardy and Harry, which was hilarious. It was the most irony-packed hour of my life. I don't think I've mentioned before, but Harry likes Rex, a popular guy from the rugby team. They dated in secret for about 8 months, and now Rex wants him back, but is having a thing with this other girl, who he cheated on Harry with. In the talk, he kept talking about how people who you never would expect to be gay are, people from the first rugby team, people who've been laughing and nudging and joking throughout the talk etc., and Rex had been sitting with Katy and doing it all. It. Was. Hilarious. Also the guy picked on Wardy for something because he's black, trying to make him understand how gay people feel with a parallel, and I was thinking "you don't have to make a parallel, he understands, because he is gay" :P and then gave him rainbow laces, which is so Wardy.
Tata for now x

October 04 2013

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Sorry, I know I said I'd post about the future and my lack of hope, but ironically my work is distracting me. Trust me, that long complain will come though. I apologise again. 
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Dinner, Design and Don'ts

So this weekend I'm supposed to be going to Wardy's house, and he's going to make me dinner. He wants to start his own restaurant when he's older, and I love food so we thought it would be great practice :) And we were going to watch Devil Wears Prada, which we talk about a lot and quote so much but have never actually seen together. It was what was making me survive through the week, I desperately wanted to kill myself yesterday.
That happened when I found that my teacher had in fact noticed that I hadn't done an entire coursework due last year. I broke down, because I lied and told my tutor I had handed it in, and that I had it, but then I couldn't even find my first draft of it on my computer. I was so close to taking all my paracetamol and ibuprofen, or slashing my wrists as vigorously as I could. If I had survived though, I would have got into so much trouble over the coursework, and lying, and my tutor is terrifying and lulls you into false security. I told myself I would do the coursework, then cut. At 2am I actually got it done, and was so pleased that I just went to sleep straight away, and emailed it this morning. Now I have found out that there's so much I haven't done yet, work that's a week overdue but will take three weeks to get done. So I'm blogging about it instead of doing it.
Basically, I accidentally invited Hobbit to dinner. I love her and everything, she must be my best friend, I can and have told her everything, but after the wrist thing the other day, and how close I am with Wardy recently, I just don't want her to go. Also, I read a tiny bit of Wardy's blog. Which I really shouldn't have, but still. And it talked about how amazing friends me and Hobbit are: "they restore my faith in relationships (despite not being a couple), they make me believe that humans can do good to each other. They became there for me when no one else was. They cheer me up in a way which they will never understand... they are perfect for each other, they complement each other so well and never seem to take their bad moods out on each other". How can I tell him that I don't want her to come? I now cannot ever ever talk about her, I can never go to him to be angry about her, which I actually sometimes am, and I hate that now I have so much pressure to always choose her first, because there are others who I feel need me more. No one that I love more, but people that need me. I'm probably just so annoyed because I'm PMSing though. But I really wanted to talk to him about Harry, and complain to him about Robbie. Now I can't. It's okay though :)
Anyway, the other thing that's driving me crazy is Robbie. Again.The A&E guy. He had is fucking sleeves rolled up at dinner today, for the whole world to see. I pulled him aside, sharply saying "I need to talk to you", and went on to nearly break down crying, asking how he could do that, how he could roll his sleeves up a week after A&E, and not care. If you are going to injure yourself, you just have to accept that you can't show people. It's something you agree that you don't do. Ever. I told him for almost three years it's something I have thought about every single day, and how could he just "forget"? He said it was like he was two people, and then he held his arm out, for me to see, I could see it, and I could see everything, I saw old, even, heavy stripes all up his arm, and two new perfectly formed red gashes, and I could barely breath. I couldn't breath and I could barely hold in my tears and I told him I was sorry, and he was lucky, and he said he's really not, and I said I had to go and went away to stare into space and breath and try and control my overwhelming jealousy and self hate. To me, that is what defines me. My identity - and I can't even do it. I can't even pull a blade along my skin any more, I can't do damage, and I don't know how to live or die without it. x

October 02 2013

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Fading, Fat and Failure

I ate so so much today. I've started a new thing where I split each day into Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, Dinner, Snack, and I'm allowed a certain amount of them each week. In the last three days I have eaten so much that I'm technically only allowed one more meal this week. I don't see that going too well. I can feel that I've got fatter, I can feel the pudge on me. I hate it.
My work is going awfully and everyone is succeeding. It's midnight, and I'm just starting. I'm so behind and I'm about to get into so much trouble, I can tell. I have no idea what I'm going to do, and I'm not going to get into any unis or anything... I will post about this further tomorrow because it's a massive topic that I need to complain about.
It just seems that every night lately, I'm going to sleep praying that I'll never wake up, wishing I had never been born, and hoping I'll just fade away. Out loud to myself, as I'm going to sleep, I whisper over and over again:
"please, never wake up, never let me wake up, please please never wake me up again, never wake up"

October 01 2013

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Work, Winning and Worries

The deadline for a 4000 word essay I've been working on for months was yesterday. I really didn't think I'd get it in, but at 4:15 I uploaded it, and I felt so so happy. I jumped around the kitchen screaming "IT'S SUBMITTED" in the faces of all the younger years :) and then I ate my mum's mashed potatoes, and my favourite brownie, and raspberries and watched the new episode of Once, and it was amazing.
But at dinner I got competitive again. I sat with Hobbit, and we got onto talking about doctors, because that's what she wants to be. I told her a story, because the conversation got deep, about this one doctor once who had to take a blood test. I got really paranoid, and started explaining my scars and everything, and she was just like "oh don't worry!" and then talked about other things. It was amazing. I told Hobbit I hope she's one of those doctors :) But then she said "yeah, that's happened to me, I had an injection so I had to throw loads of hairties on my wrist because I'd forgotten about it".
I don't know why this is such a shock to me, I knew she did it, just not wrists, and just not that frequently. I thought I won at it. I feel like such an idiot for talking about it so much now, and I have to not talk to anyone about it. It's way more contagious than I realised. I hate that I am such a failure at it.
I am terrified for some work that I'm supposed to be doing. When my teacher realises that I haven't done it, I'm just going to die. I have no excuse, and it's not a kind of 2hour work, it's a project that takes weeks. And weeks. And actually I have that for another subject too. I'm so so worried for when they question me about it. I just don't know what to do. x

September 28 2013

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Waking up is so painful.

September 27 2013

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Coins, Cuts and Coursework

Today I made up with Wardy after our fight over tumblr being blocked in school. That was good, and I found out some stuff from Harry about him, just boring stuff, but Wardy was excited to hear it. I really wish I knew what to do for him.
However, a guy I'm not really friends with, Robbie, ruined my day today. He and I are friends, but he knows none of my secrets or anything, we just kind of know each other. He's easy to talk to because he talks a lot. He self harms, but really attention seekingly. He will roll up his sleeves etc., and stretch his arm in front of everyone. And today, in a 5 second conversation with him, the first time we've talked in a few weeks, he told me that he went to A&E (accident&emergency) the other day because of slitting his wrists. 
I know it's stupid, but I am so jealous.
I have never done enough damage to end up in A&E, or anything. I have been shaky and cold and barely functioning, but I've never gone to A&E. And I know I hate life more than Robbie, and as ridiculous as it is, I can't believe he beat me. I have been so so triggered by it.
And now I'm frustrated because I physically cannot do it. I can draw pathetic little scratches, but the days of pools on the floor and splits in my skin are far away. I need to get it back.
I kind of just want to die now. I wish there was an easy way. I know it sounds stupid, but there's this essay that I have to get done by Monday, and there's not a chance in hell that's happening. And I found out I'm ages and ages behind on two other courseworks today, and I have to hand them in so soon and I know I'm just going to get more work, and it's killing me. Except it's not, and that's even worse.
And I actually have money at the moment, which means I am buying tonnes of food. Like, more than you can imagine. I have binged non stop for 2 weeks, I hate how big my stomach has got. I hate being so chubby. I meant to buy gum today to stop the binging but I didn't have 80p so I ended up getting a smoothie instead. Idiot.
Ugh. Life.

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09 Track 09

(M4A, 7.59 MB)
Be My Escape. 
0369 8aee
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Katy

Katy Katy. I really don't know where to start. I roomed with her for two years, we're still in the same boarding house. I can talk to her about anything, like most of my friends, and she's honest, but often wrong. She doesn't see life quite right in my view. Plus she's happy. As in, in-a-relationship happy. Which I can't really deal with, but I'm happy for her :)
She's always around for me to talk to and is so much fun but causes a lot of drama. So she should be fun to talk about :) 
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Caitlin

A difficult friend, but a great friend when she wants to be. I can be as weird as I am, and she is crazy with me, and we have so many common interests and stuff. She is always fun, but gets angry about silly things. She can't help it, and I always agree with her, when I'm not on the receiving end of it. She really likes being invited to stuff. But she puts me first which I really really appreciate, and she gets everything. And I trust her with my life, she has never told any of my secrets. I really do need her, but we've drifted a bit because she's ill all the time, and never at school. I don't have a single doubt that we will be friends for years, it's so easy to talk to her for hours - we do talk for hours on the phone lots of times a week. And she's enthusiastic and fantasy y, she doesn't crush dreams and isn't too realistic like others. I love her really a lot, she's only marginally more obsessive and paranoid than me.
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Harry

So bubbly, always, and in a happy mood, hilarious and cute and perfect and I can be myself, but still can't tell him everything. He's too happy to know everything I can't ruin that.
I used to love hanging out with him, and he's gay, but we are each other's back up plans, we we will get married one day. I'm certain of it. He is really good at agreeing, and being on your side of the argument no matter what, and he will be great at whatever, and he knows what he wants so will enjoy whatever.
I recently found out Wardy is in love with him. And has been for two years. This pains me, Wardy barely shows that he cares about people, but him talking about Harry is unbearable. I hate seeing him so hurt. And people have been joking about "Wardrry" for years, before we knew either of them were gay, but now I hate it. And Harry is so dismissive of the idea. He will NEVER be with Wardy. I hate that so much. Now whenever I hang out with him I've got that in mind. It's difficult for me, I can't imagine what it's like for Wardy.
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Wardy

An amazing amazing person. He is just a complete genius. He has all my worried confused unfathomable thoughts, but he clarifies them. He fathoms my stars into constellations. I used to think I liked him, but I know it was just a new best friend kind of thing. I feel so close to him, like he understands, and I know I can trust him with anything. And I like that he knows my secrets and I know his, and I feel special that I'm the only one. Although Wardy, Hobbit and I are kind of a group.
He has the deepest, most philosophical thoughts, and I am left speechless so much with him. He is a complete genius, and I hope he does something with his intelligence, I know he could speak to so many people, and make them feel as much better as he makes me feel. And as loved as he makes me feel.
Sometimes though, he makes me hate myself. I feel stupid after saying certain things to him, and sometimes he doesn't listen, and that frustrates me. A lot.
But I really value his friendship, and need him more than anyone to restore my sanity, and I hope that he values me a bit, although I accept that none of my friends need me like I need them. 
I just want him to be happy one day. He fucking deserves it, he's been through enough.
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Ruth

Keeping it simple, she's my ex roommate. We were really really really close friends, I did not keep anything from her and she was so different to my day pupil friends and saw life differently, kind of happily at the beginning, and was so much fun, we could just say nothing and still have an awesome time. We were happy around each other 24/7 for two years, which is rare - I couldn't do that with many of my friends.
In February she got seriously worried about her weight. I tried to help, not help her get better because I was once worried about my weight and I hated hated hated people trying to fix me, it was none of their business. I just wanted her to feel I was there. But then I found her blog, and it had horrible stuff about me, and her eating was way worse than I realised and I couldn't be around her without thinking about all the stuff she felt she couldn't tell me.
We're still friends, but it's not the same. I feel so guilty telling her anything knowing how much she's keeping from me. 
She is still one of my best friends, and I can tell her anything if I want to. But if I talk to her rarely after leaving the school, it would be a weight lifted off my shoulders. I stress about her problems way too much, and her worries have seriously effected me.
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Hobbit

I want to talk about all my amazing friends individually. The ones I will most mention.
I figured a good place to start is who I currently consider my best friend.
Hobbit is amazing. She's my oldest friend I guess - I have never stayed at a school more than two years before, but I've been here for six years now and she's one of the few people who joined at the beginning, like me, and who I've stayed friends with throughout. She is absolutely beautiful, I would kill to look like her, and she is damn smart, and has an amazing memory which is really important to me, and she doesn't realise how intelligent she is and how successful she will be, but I guess if she did I wouldn't be friends with her, so I have to be pleased to some extent. In a selfish way.
She's really opinionated, which bugs me when I'm in a bad mood, but I wouldn't change it, I need her to have opinions, and since I barely have my own it doesn't bug me. She's wise about life, and I need that.
It sounds ridiculous, but I never want to leave her, I feel like I really need her as a friend and will do forever, so, as it's the start of my last year of school, I am going to tell her everything and trust her with everything and make the most of having someone, someone with different honest opinions, but who keeps secrets and would never hurt me and listens to all my rambling and is just generally the perfect friend.
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Olivia-

Hey, I'm Olivia.
Basically here I will vent and talk about all the drama with everyone else in my life. And my fights with people, and my worries. 
Things you should know about me:
- I go to an expensive boarding school in England
- I have the most amazing friends and I love them all
- I love TV. Way too much.
- I love music that makes me cry
- I am kind of depressed, and have cut myself for a few years
I'm afraid this blog will mainly be depressing stuff. Sorry.
Enjoy x
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